I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
