My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
