Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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