We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
