I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
