So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
