I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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