He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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