Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize