Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
