I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
