I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
