Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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