i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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