Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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