K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I cannot find my penis.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
