apparently the secret to your success is patron
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
