Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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