Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
