dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
