Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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