You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
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she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
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MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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