My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
