Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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