Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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