I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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