I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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