life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
