I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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