sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
