For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
