dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
