at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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