i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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