Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
