I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
