You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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