woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
