everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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