it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
