Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
