my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
