That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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