i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
