How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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