I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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