everyone is single if you try hard enough
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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