I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
