We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
