i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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