I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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