I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
