Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He kissed a someone with a penis
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
