My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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