Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
