if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
