Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
