i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
where does the pee come out of this thing
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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