Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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