Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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