I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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