I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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