Do you still have your period?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
